


Fucking Grapefruits

by Amahami



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Aftercare, Allergies, Bad Decisions, Blindfolds, Body Horror, Canon Era, Established Relationship, Food Sex, M/M, Oral Sex, Post-Promised Day, Safeword Use, Trans Edward Elric, Trans Male Character, Uncircumcised Penis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:33:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26723704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amahami/pseuds/Amahami
Summary: Ed can't deepthroat Roy, so he does research. Said research makes Ed think having Roy fuck a grapefruit while he sucks him off is a good idea.One problem: Roy's allergic to grapefruit.Body horror is for description of the allergic reaction. Aftercare is minimal due to aforementioned allergic reaction.
Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	Fucking Grapefruits

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [balanced diet](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26658406) by [silentwalrus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentwalrus/pseuds/silentwalrus), [teacuptaako](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teacuptaako/pseuds/teacuptaako). 



> Alternative titles include:  
> ·Grapefruit Technique Goes Wrong  
> ·It's All Chad's Fault  
> ·Nobody's Perfect  
> ·Unknown Allergens
> 
> [This is the video ](https://youtu.be/nLTgWdXrx3U)that inspired both this fic and the fic that inspired this one.
> 
> Thank you to [Mr. Son](https://dreadlordmrson.dreamwidth.org/) for betaing this fic for me, and for helping me turn it from a fic that was only fun to write into something fun to read, too.

Ed had been doing research. So much research. Way more than anyone else had, on how to give blowjobs. More specifically, on how to deepthroat. 

Apparently, his throat was physically too small for Roy’s dick. And Ed was  _ furious _ about that. 

So Ed did what he does best: research.

And that’s how Ed found himself at the grocery store on a Friday afternoon, staring at all the different kinds of grapefruits, considering size and taste. He happened to love most grapefruit, but there was one variety he couldn’t  _ stand  _ and he could never remember which one.   
  
But he didn’t usually eat grapefruit, since there are so many other good foods out there.

Getting two different varieties would guarantee that he'd like at least one of them, so he decided to get two. ...Except then he was left to figure out what size to get.

Ed shrugged to himself and to the shelves of grapefruit before him. He didn’t fucking know! He closed his eyes and imagined holding Roy’s dick in his left hand. He opened his eyes and looked at his hand, using that to judge size and pick grapefruits bigger than that.   
  
Once he got home, he kicked off his boots and padded into the kitchen to get out a produce cutting board and knife.

Preparing the grapefruits was easy: cut the ends off and cut out a hole for the dick. Estimating how big to cut the hole was the most difficult part, though Ed had a great idea to mitigate that -- he pretended he was sucking Roy off and measured the diametre of how wide open his mouth was with the ruler in the utensils drawer. He cut a hole that size out of the grapefruit, and did the same with the second.

Ed licked both grapefruits, realised he liked both, and tossed one into the fridge to eat later. He carried the other to their bedroom.

Once he tucked the grapefruit into their bedside table's drawer of sexy toys, he stripped down and tossed his clothes into the hamper. Roy would be home in an hour, and Ed wanted to be prepared, so he got to work. He made sure there were snacks and plenty of water within arms reach of the bed, checked that the blindfold was where it belonged, and then began stripping the bed.

Roy arrived home less than half an hour later, right as Ed  _ finally _ succeeded in getting their waterproof bedsheets on the damn mattress. 

Ed just so happened to be bending over to pick their comforter up off the floor when Roy entered their bedroom.

Ed could hear Roy’s smile when he said, “I didn’t expect to come home to a show.”

Ed tossed the bed linens into the hamper once he stood up, then turned around to face Roy. He didn't know how Roy managed to get home early, but Ed sure as hell wasn't going to ask.

Instead of replying to Roy's teasing, though, he reached a hand between his legs to rub at his clitoris. He hummed happily at both the feeling of his hand and at the sight of Roy, several feet away, already looking delightfully debauched.

Roy stepped closer so he could pull Ed's hands from his crotch and to his mouth. Roy licked them. It didn't  _ look _ sexy, but it definitely  _ felt _ sexy.

They took a moment to stare at each other, Ed's fingers still in Roy's mouth, mesmerised by the love and lust in each other's eyes. What saps. 

“I have something new planned,” Ed whispered. Roy grinned. Ed’s ideas were almost always fantastic.

Roy nodded his assent and leaned down to kiss Ed. And what a mindblowing kiss it was, too: full of spice and zing. It  _ really _ got him going.

Roy broke the kiss with a smile. Ed began slowly undoing Roy’s uniform. He didn’t need to be  _ too  _ careful, since it was the end of the week and it needed to be dry cleaned anyway, but Ed had ripped Roy’s uniform too many times to not be careful.

Ed didn’t lick or bite at Roy like he normally would, because it was summer, and Roy had been in heavy wool all day.  _ No thank you. _

He just rubbed himself against Roy’s body at every angle he could, littering it with closed-mouth kisses. Roy's body was Ed's favourite body, and he loved showing it. Ed sighed in contentment.

“Shower?” Roy suggested, well-versed in his partner's preferences.

Ed shook his head. “Don’t need to yet. Afterwards we will. But not just yet.”

Roy removed his hand from the sleeve of his uniform, where Ed had forgotten a button. With his hands suddenly free, he was able to grab Ed’s ass and pull him into his arms.

Roy pretended to be distracted from the foreplay by Ed's proximity. Until he ground his thigh between Ed's legs and up against Ed’s bare genitals. Ed dropped his head back, mouth open in a silent groan. 

The rough wool of Roy's uniform always got Ed going in just the right way. Ed hummed in pleasure and rode his thigh for a few moments, just until his legs began to lock. Then he pushed Roy away before dropping to his knees with a  _ clunk. _

Ed made quick work of the remaining buttons and clasps on the lower part of Roy’s uniform and let the trousers fall to the floor. That left Roy clothed only in his underpants, which had hand-sewn cartoon flames on them (courtesy of Ed’s autumn 1923 hobby). 

Ed pulled those down with care and nearly took Roy immediately into his mouth, before he remembered where that penis had been all day. 

He made a face and stood up. “One sec,” Ed said as he walked out of the room.

When Ed came back, damp washcloth in-hand, Roy was laying on their bed in what Ed was sure Roy thought was a sexy pose. It wasn’t; he just looked bored. 

Roy took Ed’s naked body in like he hadn’t earlier, when he first walked in. Ed's ass was very distracting.

Ed looked divine; his hair was half-up in what had probably a bun at some point, and his absurdly dark body hair contrasted perfectly against Ed’s delicious golden skin. 

Roy sighed happily. “I love you.”

Ed rolled his eyes. “I love you, too. Now put your blindfold on.”

Roy’s eyebrows rose, but he obeyed, grabbing the cloth from where it was wrapped around one of the bedposts and tied it over his eyes.

Roy took a few deep breaths to steady himself as Ed wiped his dick and balls off. It was a sensation that, though uncomfortable, Roy enjoyed. And Ed knew it, taking far more time than necessary to wipe down the shaft under the foreskin.

Once Ed was satisfied with Roy's cleanliness, he tugged just slightly downwards on the blindfold, so Roy could see a thin strip of light. Roy relaxed. 

Ed opened the sexy bedside drawer and pulled out the grapefruit. He put a hand at the base of Roy’s penis and licked a stripe up it with a smile on his face (not that Roy could see that).

Roy’s heartrate quickened, though his breathing remained steady. 

Ed rested his lips on the underside of Roy’s penis and sucked just below the head, and Roy bucked, hard, groaning at the sensation. He could feel Ed’s smirk against his cock.

Ed readjusted his hold on Roy’s dick, and with his other hand, he slowly pushed the grapefruit onto him. Roy stiffened but didn't move besides. 

Once he got it halfway down, Ed added his mouth to the tip and began to move the grapefruit up and down.

Which was awkward as fuck, for the record. The texture was weird, the juice made it overly slick, and the fruit was surprisingly difficult to work with.

Roy seemed to enjoy it, giving breathless little whimpers as he tried to keep from bucking his hips again.

Ed finally found his rhythm, and Roy’s whimpering had turned to moans, but then they abruptly cut off.

“Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas chrischrischrischrischris!”

Ed froze for a second as his brain processed the shouting as Roy safewording. Ed took his mouth and the grapefruit off Roy’s cock and ripped the blindfold up over his head.

Roy’s eyes were panicked and his head thrashed side to side, jaw clenched. 

“Roy,” Ed said gently but firmly, “What’s wrong?”

Roy was sweating -- dripping, really -- and clenching and releasing his hands spasmodically. 

Ed glanced down at his body to see if he could get a hint of what was wrong and-- oh  _ shit _ .

“Okay Roy. Okay. I’m gonna wipe down your dick okay? It’s gonna hurt but it’ll be worth it, okay?” 

Ed thought Roy might have given him a nod, but he couldn’t be sure.

Ed took the washcloth he'd used to wipe Roy’s dick off and wiped it off again, this time being careful of the blotchy, swollen skin of his penis.

“I’m just going to the dresser to get socks, Roy. I’m not going anywhere,” Edward said as he stood to get the socks.

After Roy safeworded, he often thought Ed was leaving him, so even the journey to the other side of the room would frighten him. So Ed hummed a tune while he was out of Roy's sight.

When he got back to the bed, he unrolled the socks and shoved two of them in the water glass on the nightstand. He had to wait several moments for the socks to absorb the water before he removed one. He used it to wipe down Roy’s swollen, rashy cock.

Roy had stopped thrashing while they were waiting for the socks to be ready, and though his eyes were glazed, he watched Ed's every move.

Ed noticed his gaze when he grabbed the other sock from the glass and wiped Roy down as thoroughly as he could, including the inside of his foreskin. 

“How you doing?” Ed asked Roy, who just shook his head, eyebrows drawn down in frustration.

“You don’t need words, it's fine,” Ed said. Roy's face darkened as he prepared to argue. 

“No,” Ed said, interrupting the thoughts he knew Roy was having. “Don’t even try. I’m here, I've been here, you know I don't mind the whole mute thing after intense sex. I don’t need your words." They'd had this discussion enough times that the abridged version did the trick. Once Roy looked away and nodded grudgingly, Ed returned to his initial questions.

"Just nod your head if you feel better since I started wiping down your dick. Shake your head if you feel worse.”

Roy turned to look at Ed again and tipped his head from side to side with a scowl.

“Neither?” Ed asked. 

Roy nodded.

“It’s the same?” Ed asked just to make sure. 

Roy nodded again.

“Alright, Roy. You up for a real shower?” 

Roy shook his head. Definitely not.

  
Okay. Ed needed a plan. Roy was clearly allergic to grapefruit, and he’d get worse if he kept laying in grapefruit juice.

Ed sighed. “I’m going to put a sheet on the floor, then help you down there. Then I’m going to wipe your backside down, then we’re going to lay on the floor ‘til you’re feeling better. Sound good?”

Roy’s shoulders twitched up in a shrug. Ed shrugged back and stood up, yanking their topsheet from the hamper and laying it carefully on the floor next to the bed.

Ed carefully but firmly grasped just above Roy’s elbows and lifted him to standing, then helped ease him to the floor on his side.

Ed took another pair of socks, dampened them, then thoroughly wiped Roy’s back, sides, and thighs, then moved to gently clean his ass.

Ed had no sooner gotten to Roy’s asshole when Roy went rigid and moaned. Not a sexy moan, but a terrified one.

Ed hurried to Roy’s front side. “Roy? What’s going on? Can you breathe?”

Roy slowly nodded his head. He could breathe, at least. Small blessings.

Ed looked down to check on Roy’s penis and -- yeah, okay, nope, he couldn’t deal with that. That was beyond the scope of his abilities. Nope nope nope.

Those were blisters. Plural. On his partner’s penis.  _ Blisters. _

“Alright, we’re going to the hospital,” Ed said firmly. 

He could count on one hand the number of times he’d driven since he got his permit, and one of those times was for his license. But desperate times and all that.

Ed grabbed the pair of pants closest to him and threw them on, not bothering with underpants. 

He grabbed the first public-appropriate shirt he found to put on, too.

Then he was tasked with finding the softest pants he could find without taking the time to search.

Roy had worn them three nights in a row, but his faux-silk pajama bottoms would have to do. 

Roy’s body was no longer tensed, at least, so Roy was able to assist Ed in getting trousers onto him. 

“Alright, come on. Up we go,” Ed said as he grabbed one of Roy’s arms and pulled. 

Roy managed the rest of the way himself, and they slowly walked to the front door. They both ignored the pained noises Roy couldn't keep in.

Ed yanked Roy’s black coat off the coat rack and helped Roy put it on; even in the emergency ward, he’d get shit for being without a shirt. Not to mention the scars he'd be asked about.

The drive to the hospital was easy enough, especially when one considered that Ed hadn’t ever driven in Central before. 

Roy finally spoke when they were a few blocks away from the hospital. “Sorry,” he said.

Ed grimaced. “The only reason I’m not smacking you or hitting my head against the window is because I’m driving, and I actually need to focus. Don’t fucking apologise,” he said, venom in his voice, glaring at the car ahead of them.

Ed needed to work on his tone in stressful situations.

Roy turned his head to look out the passenger window. Ed pretended everything was normal. 

“I’m not upset,” Ed said abruptly as they pulled into the driveway of the hospital. “I’m concerned, of course, and frustrated, but not upset.”

Ed turned the engine off, grabbed the keys, and tossed them to the valet before helping Roy out of the car.

Roy hissed as he stood and spread his legs further apart. As he and Ed slowly made their way to the check-in desk, Roy began to tremble. Ed turned sideways so he could use both hands to catch Roy, should he fall.

At the check-in desk, Ed sighed and glanced at Roy.  _ How much do I lie? _

Roy nodded to the lady waiting patiently at the desk.  _ Don’t lie. _

Ed raised his eyebrows, eyes wide in surprise.  _ Are you sure? _

Roy nodded.  _ Yes. _

So Ed explained about how his partner’s dick was having an allergic reaction.

Yes, he can breathe. He hasn’t tried to pee. He was in enough pain he couldn’t move for a while. He takes medication for his eyes. No Ed doesn’t know what medication it is. There were blisters and it freaked him out, okay? 

The lady gave him a clipboard with dozens of pages and asked him to fill them out. 

Roy was bad enough compared to everyone else in there, at least, that he was called back before either of them could sit down.

Once they were in a triage room, Roy was asked to strip before getting onto the exam table.

His entire groin was inflamed, and there were blisters on the shaft of his penis. His testicles were swollen and blotchy and disgusting looking, too, and Ed was pretty sure Roy's asshole would be the same. 

He and the nurse shared a grimace.

“Looks like an allergic reaction to me,” the nurse said. “We’ll give him some antihistamines and cleanse the area and see how he’s doing in a couple hours. We’ll get the meds in him then I’ll get the doctor to take a look.”

Ed shook his head after a moment, in an effort to clear his mind. He had zoned out sometime after arriving at the hospital, and he was… Not confused, but disoriented. And Roy was the incapacitated one right then, so Ed needed to be alert.

Roy was pantsless, laying with his feet in stirrups and naked ass facing the hallway, a mere curtain hiding his indecency from the world. 

“Hold me?” Roy asked quietly. Ed smiled softly as he moved a chair to the head of the exam table and laid his arms over Roy’s shoulders and chest. He kissed Roy’s ear. “I love you,” he whispered, giving Roy positive reinforcement for asking for what he wanted. Not because Ed had been worried. Of course not."

Roy gave him a tiny smile. “I love you too, Edward.”

The nurse came over and did the injection while Ed pointedly looked elsewhere. Once it was over, he looked back, and… There were faint handprints where he’d rested his palms on Roy’s chest.

“Oops.”

The nurse looked to him and followed his gaze. She shook her head and sighed. “There’s a bathroom around the corner. Wash your hands." 

Ed nodded. “I’ll be back as soon as I get all the grapefruit off my hands.”

Roy’s head whipped to the side, nearly knocking into Ed’s nose. “Grapefruit?” he almost-yelled.

Ed shrugged. “Yeah? My research suggested it as a good alternative to deepthroating.”

Roy banged his head a couple times against the exam table. 

“Did you know you were allergic?” the nurse asked, acting as if using allergens as a fucktoy was a common reason for hospital visits.

“No,” Roy said. “Though I wouldn’t have agreed to  _ copulate with a fruit _ if I hadn’t been asked to blindly trust my partner, who I  _ love _ .”

Roy wasn’t really mad. And they both knew he would have tried it. It just would have taken some discussion, and they’d have ended up with Roy blindfolded anyway. 

As Ed left the room, the nurse called out, "Wash them more than once!"

Ed followed her instructions and washed his hands, arms, face, and mouth several times each before he walked back to the area Roy was in.

“Oh, good,” a short man in a white coat said, turning to Ed. “The antihistamines seem to be helping, so we’re going to wash the areas affected, and then wait a couple hours to make sure he doesn’t have a relapse of symptoms, then he’ll be ready to go home.”

Ed nodded and leaned over to get a good look at Roy’s genitals. They still looked pretty angry, but they were less inflamed. 

Ed returned to his spot at Roy’s head and embraced him.

The doctor left and a nurse entered shortly afterwards with a container of water, washcloths, and soap. 

Ed stroked Roy’s hair as they both tried to pretend a stranger wasn’t scrubbing down Roy’s ass and chest.

He released soon enough, wearing different trousers than he’d gone in with. They were clean, at least, but also stiff and uncomfortable.

He was also given a bag with new medications, two of which were for emergencies.

There was plenty of clean-up waiting for Ed when they got home. He had to strip the bed again, put everything through the wash including what he was wearing, scrub down their nightstand, their sexy drawer, and everything in it, as well as the fridge, the counter, and whatever else he contaminated with the grapefruit.

Who knew deepthroating was so much work?

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't the type of thing I normally write, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. I know i sure did!
> 
> Please consider telling me what you thought. Regardless, thank you so much for reading this work!


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